Well hello again my young pupils. So far my subjects have had one common characteristic that unites them, they have all at some point considered Shooters or Georges (and pzads) an acceptable boozing venue. Well, there is one group that has yet to be discussed, and I feel that, for the sake of integrity, I must say a little something about them as well.

Let me start by talking about the male athletes in general, because truthfully, they are the only ones we really care about at our school.

The first thing a Duke male thinks when he finds out you are an athlete is “I am smarter than you,” and I’d say that’s a fair assumption. You got into this school for a reason, and its not because of your stellar test scores. Its always a great sign to walk into a class the first day and see a row of behemoths sitting in the back, easy A baby. Intelligence aside, the first thing a Duke female thinks when she finds out you are a soccer/lacrosse/basketball (basically, the winners) player is “I’d like to fuck you.” Honestly, if you are a male athlete in any other sport than fencing you have an alarmingly higher chance of pulling legitimate tail then your average frat boy. Actually fuck it, if you wanted to graph the relationship between overall intelligence and quality of pussy attained, you would find the two have a strong negative correlation (remember boys and girls, a lot of people got in here because of what daddy does).

It is very important to know who these people are, because being on a sports team is essentially like being a part of a frat/sorority assembled by a coach, minus the rampant drug use (at least the “illegal” ones in season). While athletes live and socialize with themselves, they do come to party with us “smart kids” frequently. Therefore, it is crucial that we take a quick minute to get to know a little bit about Duke’s proud athletic program.

Mens Lacrosse-

They are big, loud, obnoxious, ambiguously gay, meathead white boys. Basically, all the frat Dsig and Snu wish they were. Let’s not kid ourselves, what frat doesn’t hate these fuckers? I mean the lacrostitute is a notch higher on the social scale than the "frat slut." And dammit that’s something worth fighting over.

Wrestlers-

Umm do NOT under any drunken circumstances even consider trying to mess with one of these kids. Ya, they don’t always look like much, but they have one job here, and its fightin. End of story.

Football-

I am sorry, so sorry. I bet it seemed like a good idea, Duke for free and you get to play in the ACC too! Yea, you are the biggest mother fuckers on campus. But here, nobody likes a loser. The funniest part is, I bet a lot of you guys got more ass in high school then 95 percent of the guys at Duke. Once again, my apologies for your horrendous decision to play football here.

Mens and Womens Swimming-

Outside of Mirecourt, this is the most incestuous organization on campus. These aquatic kids are perfectly happy getting with one another. In fact, word is they are blatantly proud of their inter-squad promiscuity. I know, it’s a little weird to me too.

Track-

I love the track team for one reason and one reason only. If it wasn’t for them, Duke would not have accepted some of its most ridiculously attractive females. Nice work coach, you clearly have an eye for “talent.”

Mens Basketball-

Ya, the frat stars think they are “too cool” to admit they fucking love you boys. Don’t worry, deep down they do. Why? Because we are elitists dammit, and nothing says “fuck you, we are better than you” more then a National Championship. (suck on that Harvard)

Womens Basketball, Volleyball, Crew-

……..damn these ladies are BIG. Shit I should watch what I say, they can all probably beat the piss out of me. OK, I will admit huge bitches scare me a little bit.

Mens Soccer- see Delta Sig

Womens Field Hockey, Lacrosse, and Soccer-

Ya so these girls aren’t so “massive,” but lets be honest. There is something oddly masculine about most of these women. It probably comes with the territory of being on a highly competitive division 1 team. All three of these teams compete nationally, and as such, most of these ladies take their shit seriously enough to not waste time getting boozed up and chasing frat boys. Woaaahhh, are they on to something?  Nahh, they're just sorta lame. Its ok though, they will be  the ones laughing when they're all  professional field hockey players.

Baseball- see football (sorry guys, that steroid scandal didn’t help you out much either)

 Alright athletes now don’t your panties all wrapped up. I love having you here, you add a little bit of balance. More importantly, I don’t know how us trinitards would survive without some of those amazing classes of yours. Someone needs to bring down the ridiculous curve.

- yours truly

ps. NO FUCKING NAMES SHITHEADS.