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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in dukeobsrvr's LiveJournal:

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Wednesday, April 5th, 2006
1:28 am
Alright guys here is the deal...livejournal has been great, and provided us all a great forum for discussion. That being said, I think it is time for me to move on from here and would like to point everyone to my new independently run site: www.dukeobsrvr.com

If you are interested, there is a new post up about our lovely school and its race relations. Oh, and all the old posts have been transferred to the new site.
Have fun my young pupils.
- yours truly
Sunday, April 2nd, 2006
10:59 pm
the internet is great
Apparently you can do almost anything you want very quickly using the internet. So someone sent me this site, wow.

Saturday, April 1st, 2006
11:18 am
ha ha ha
Amusing quote from Greg Garber's espn.com article.

"On Thursday, the house, which has been a rallying point for angry demonstrators, carried a different message.

Five signs taped together to the wrought-iron work on the front landing read, "Innocent Until Proven Guilty."

Another read, "ALLEDGED: Represented as existing or as being as described, but not so proved; supposed."

The source for the definition was listed as www.dictionary.com, and that online source presumably wasn't responsible for the first "D." Apparently at Duke, where the average SAT verbal scores fall between 690 and 770, not everyone has a command of spelling."

Thursday, March 30th, 2006
8:59 pm
So lets end this debate over how long the test results should take and whether or not the DA is withholding the results. This website provides the biological process used for crime scene DNA examination:


At the bottom of the page, you will notice it states that this is the same process used for paternal DNA testing. Now I want to direct you to the website of a company that does paternal DNA testing:


You will notice they offer the same testing in 3 days (including overnight shipping). Its safe to assume this company receives far more DNA samples then the local crime lab (or wherever those samples are supposedly sitting right now), and yet we supposed to believe that this process is going to take Durham over a week to conduct when the samples were taken last Thursday. Lets face it, the process of comparing DNA is neither unbelievably complex, nor time consuming. If they wanted it done in a day, go ask your biology professor, it could be done so and without compromising accuracy.

Though this proves nothing, it only adds to the mounting evidence that the DA and the Durham Police Department are trying to manipulate the public into believing the rape allegations are true. There is more to this story and a lot of unanswered questions. Nobody should be rushing to any conclusions.
2:42 am
Reasonable Doubt?
At this point it is far too early to make any judgment as to what went down the evening on march 13. The media (some more than others), the community, and the district attorney have given us a juiced up sensationalist account of what went down that evening based on the testimony of one escort, but have done little to substantiate their claims. Their irresponsibility in handling this delicate scandal is, in my opinion, an overt attempt to spark a witch-hunt in the hope of convicting the team before they even reach trial. They know they are going to need to rely on an incensed “jury of their peers” in order to convict anyone for much more than drinking and noise. Want to know why boys and girls? What happens if the DNA results have already (or do) come back negative. By the police’s own admission, the tests can be done in about 20 minutes, and were already the highest possible priority. How is it possible for the results, which were originally slated for this Monday, to now take another week hmmm…I am puzzled. They conveniently didn’t make it to the lab, right. The delay seems like a spineless attempt by the District Attorney to increase the pressure and let this escalate as a scandal before they make any move. Every day that the lacrosse team remains silent (as they logically should as possible suspects), causes more pressure and public outcry in hope they can either make someone rat or come up with enough evidence to move without DNA.

In reality, there has been very little actual evidence presented. We currently know that the DA believes three players raped and strangled one of the two dancers. The only report we have seen from the police, the search warrant obtained to enter the house on 610 Buchannon, feeds us a heartwarming tale of violent gang rape but fails to tell us what evidence (besides of course our stripper with the heart of gold) corroborates their assumptions. We have seen little information concerning how the DA and the police have reached their conclusion. For example, there has been no information released about the results of the rape kit.** We know it was performed, and we know that since then they have continued to investigate the alleged crimes, but no specific information regarding the examination has been cited other than a reference on espn.com (and apparently the herald sun?) obtained from the DNA test warrant (which has not been released to the public?). If this girl went to the hospital shortly after the rape, there is a medical report that documents the condition she was in at the time and medical evidence of forced intercourse. The powers at be have cleverly led us to believe that during this invasive process the examiners encountered DNA. However, the police and the DA have been suspiciously vague about their findings and have not ventured beyond insinuating that DNA was found in/on the alleged victim. Because of the sweeping DNA tests, we have been tricked into believing that something was actually found in/on the girl. Making any such assumption would be entirely presumptuous.

Now lets move on to the 9-11 call. This new tidbit of information has added a new twist to the turn of events we can verify occurred early morning on the 14th,. According to the tape released, the victim did not call the police. Instead, it was a bystander at the Kroger who saw the woman inside her car apparently drunk and upset. And if any of you didn’t catch it, the cops were called on her. The only conclusion we gain from this phone call is that the alleged victim was visibly intoxicated, and as of 1:22 AM the cops on their way to check on her “misbehavior.” This means, the rape allegation only surfaced after police had arrived to check on the apparently dysfunctional and intoxicated Durham escort. Interesting…and what substances was she on, well we will find out as soon as we see the report from the hospital. More importantly, does anyone want to venture a guess as to what happens when Durham police find a fucked up escort acting belligerently? Oh that’s right they get taken to jail. Hmmm…a motive for lying?

We know 2 escorts were hired two come “perform” for the party. I want to specify ESCORTS, read the paper the woman admits herself that she usually does “one on one dates,” obviously sex is never solicited. You will not find documented evidence that supports me here, but if you’ve ever dealt with hiring girls to work a party there are some generally accepted practices. First, when you are dealing with entertainers of this sort, you can buy pretty much anything. Generally, for any female stripper (non escort) that does house-calls you can always buy a toy show (where the dancer masturbates with toys in front of the men), candle show (same sorta bullshit except now there’s usually a guy involved that will get a nice hot wax treatment), and unlike in a club “touching” is mostly acceptable during lap dances. Usually you can buy sex as well, but its going to cost you more with strippers because they don’t technically sell that. Escorts on the other hand, is a fancy term for prostitutes who are intelligent enough to take advantage a loophole in our legal system. As far as an escort service (or legal pimp) is concerned, customers simply buy the company of the woman. Beyond that, its between you and the escort as to what you want to buy. She will tell you what “services” she will provide and at what price. Depending on the escort, pretty much any sexual act can be for sale. The limits vary from girl to girl, but if anyone goes on “one on one dates” with an escort it is a fair assumption that something more than her presence will be purchased. So please WRAL and company, drop this stripper with a heart of gold bullshit, we don’t even know her name yet but we should go ahead and take your word that she is just trying to make it for her family. Maybe she is, and I personally do not see anything wrong with what this woman does for a living, life is hard, especially in Durham. You do what you have to do to get by. Rape is rape, and even prostitutes have the right of consent. However, when you accept money for sexual action, you start to blur your own line between rape and prostitution.

This is not an argument that the team is innocent or that a rape did not occur. My point is that with the information we currently have, rushing to any conclusion regarding the alleged crime would be presumptuous. Maybe I am crazy, but there is a legal process for a reason, and allegations must be looked at for no more than what they are. The way the community is already playing judge and jury is unfortunate but expected. The presumptuousness of my fellow students is sad, we are supposed to be smarter than that. Maybe we are too smart, we know controversy shames the school’s and ultimately our own individual reputations. Some are feeling real bold now speaking out because they feel we need to tell the country we do not accept this, but will they have the balls to apologize to each player if the allegations are proven false? Rape is a part of a larger violation of a person's personal legal rights, something we are currently denying the 46 members of our lacrosse team. The world is not black and white, and neither is this incident. I am disappointed by the lack of unbiased judgment exhibited by my peers. It’s a game of he said vs. she said, and until we get the forensics back it would be silly for us to rush to any conclusions. No one is going anywhere, and if proof is found the boys will be here awaiting their arrest. According to the team there is nothing to tell with regards to a rape, and since all of them are suspects, talking could only hurt them. Get off their backs until we have all the evidence. They will still be here when we do, and then we can start talking about cracking their solidarity.

Oh I almost forgot. Fuck you Mr. Nifong (Mr. I want to be re-elected and bashing Duke is quite the hit these days with the triangle voters), fuck you Durham, and fuck you to anyone who has already convicted the team in their heads. Right now, I need more evidence. By the way, President Broadhead is the man, standing strong once again.
I hate Durham.
-yours truly

Ps. Those scenes in around campus the last couple days were pathetic. Wait a week, and then start telling the workers at Alpine not to serve laxers, ok honey. I know you get all worked up about this shit and take it real personally, but there is no use burning bridges until the whole story comes to light.

***so at about 12:55 this morning espn.com reported this: “according to the court order that was required to execute DNA testing, medical records "revealed the victim had signs, symptoms and injuries consistent with being raped and sexually assaulted vaginally and anally." The dancer was examined by a forensic sexual assault nurse.”
- like I said the report exists and we need to see it all

From the Thursday morning news and observer: http://www.newsobserver.com/1185/story/423471.html
Monday, March 27th, 2006
4:44 am
not-so-funny poop
Boy has this been a rough week for Duke. JJ laying a fucking egg in the tourney (as he steadily slipped down next year’s draft board), a dead body popping up on campus, the city of Durham effectively ending the season for the laxers before an arrest has even been made…damn shit is getting dirty. Currently, the campus is in limbo, holding their collective breath for the DNA results that were scheduled to come out Sunday afternoon. This is no pussy SAE date rape. We are talking about some serious, pound-you-in-the-ass prison time if they can manage to pin the kids. And no one from Duke is supposed to go to jail.

Besides potentially ruining the lives of whoever they deem responsible, the alleged rape is on the verge of ending the season for the national title contending lacrosse team. For the team’s sake, I hope the police move quickly in making an arrest. Until then, I can only see Duke putting up forfeits. The city of Durham has made it perfectly clear that it feels the lacrosse team is guilty as not-yet charged. I am not going to lie, based on what has transpired it is hard not to immediately come to the same conclusion. At the same time, the people of Durham are starting to piss me off. What happened to innocent until proven guilty, this is fucking America here remember? No no, those silly rights only matter when they are protecting your own ass, right. It shouldn’t be that hard to understand, they are on a team…no one is going to talk, or not at least until the DNA results are back. People, we are all shocked and horrified by the allegations, but I personally would like to see some forensic evidence before we continue ruining the lives of the entire team.

By the way, does anyone care that THEY FOUND A FUCKING DEAD BODY ON THE TRAINTRACKS.

No, apparently not. We are all too captivated with the implosion of our precious lacrosse team.

I have to say I feel for the rest of the team. The kids who know the truth, whatever it may be, are all going through the most intense moral decision they have probably ever faced in their entire lives. I don’t envy their position. How do you ask a someone to be the one to cross the lines and blow a whistle, honestly. Let more than the stripper's allegations come out before you fry 'dem bitches, k?

Alright I’m done.
- yours truly

ps. It's 3 Am and I had some thoughts, im tired, and dying to sleep. fuck you if you dare talk about my grammar, losers.
Tuesday, March 14th, 2006
1:06 pm
hey losers
Fuck you all, its Spring Break. Sorry I do not have the time or desire to entertain you. Clearly alot of you cool cats are having a boring break, taking time off to talk shit to me. Damn, you guys must be real real cool, and I must not matter at all. I'll see you bitches back in "reality" in a week.
- yours truly

ps. i am probably a giant loser with a 3 inch penis (when I pee and I am not careful, it will dribble off my sack), which makes this all the more hilarious that you hang on my every fucking word.
Wednesday, March 8th, 2006
3:15 pm
I now understand why no one reads towerview...its pretty boring. Ya no misquoting, but way to make my answers as dry as possible. Last time I trust a paper to be bold in any way. Here's the whole interview, should have trusted my intoxicated instincts. mmmmmmm censorship.

Why did you start this blog? If it started as a joke, how has it changed? What
purpose do you think it achieves?

It started as a joke, and still is a joke. Nothing I have written is serious, and my only “serious” point is that everyone at Duke takes themselves WAY too seriously. I am funny, deal with it. Any deeper meaning beyond that comes from the reactions and comments of my illustriously secure groups of peers. The only change has been that now everyone really cares what I have to say.

I was sick of reading watered down articles and opinions in the chronicle that refused to say anything of relevance about greek life. There has always been this big giant elephant in the middle of the quad that everyone can see and loves to talk about in private. Only this elephant is getting his leg humped by a frat boy, while performing oral on a sorority girl. And elephants have really large trunks.

So what does this achieve? Well hopefully people find this funny, and are secure enough laugh at their own and everyone else’s petty hang-ups. I’m sorry that questioning the sincerity of the greek system is too much for some to handle.

What do you think of student reaction, especially among students in fraternities
and soroities?
Amazing, hilarious, pathetic….take your pic or use all three. Who am I anyway right? They have taken what I originally wrote as an obviously satirical stereotyping of some visible organizations around campus, and made it seem like God’s words. Honestly can you really stereotype groups of 100 girls. “OMG that’s SOOOOO not me, I’m a tridelt and I’m nothing like that” Really Einstein you are probably right, so why don’t you step back for three seconds look at your group as a whole and chuckle a little at how ridiculous some of your sisters behave. What? You cant do that?!?! Well then I guess you are really doing a good job shedding that whole insecure label huh.

Those who have not commented calling me “very perceptive” or “right on” have attempted to fling as much poo at me as possible, which I believe only illustrates the point that they take me, and themselves, far too seriously. Oh ya, and that’s funny.
I have a question. Why is it only the kids from the “top” frats and sororities that are reacting like this? Simple, they all think they are pretty damn sweet, and can’t deal with someone joking around that they really aren’t all that special.

Do you really believe what you write, or is it mostly for shock value?
I write for humor, and part of that humor is the shock value of exposing the aforementioned horny elephant. Think of a Friar’s Club Roast, mixed with the Daily Show, and a little bit of South Park. I exaggerate, I stereotype, and I’m a little mean, so what it’s a joke, and the only people who take this seriously are the ones who write the comments. Since when has comedy NOT been a bit offensive? It would be naïve to believe that I can actually create a stereotype that accurately describes such large groups of people. The “opinions” I express are less mine, and more that of the entire Greek community. Dukeobsrvr’s blind faith in his ability to judge, insult, and typecast is part of the joke and the point.

Do you worry about being exposed? Or do you plan on revealing yourself at some
I mean word is the Pike’s are pretty pissed, so is a lot of theta. Aren’t they like married now? I guess I am slightly worried, but anonymity serves a larger purpose then protection. It eliminates bias, and its why everyone cares. If you knew who I was you would write this off this as some attempt to further my agenda, whether that be glorify my frat, slander another, or a bitter attack the system as a whole. I want to be funny, but I want to be fair. Pick on one, pick on everyone. I have not singled anyone out by name (minus the “Z-spot” writer) and thus far no one has done so on the comments pages either, something I will continue to respect and hope others do too.

As far as revealing myself, I have not made up my mind yet. I think iron is a little too hot to make any decisions just yet.

How long do you plan to continue?
Not sure. There isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t make some sort of pledge to leave it at that, but everyone seems to want to keep reading. I guess it will probably keep going until either people lose interest, or I cross a line so far that I somehow get shutdown. Who knows though, maybe I will stop tomorrow.

Can you tell me anything about yourself? gender, grade, major?
Ya I am a double major in sociology and women’s studies.

The majority of your posts have been observations of the Greek system. Do you
intend to change direction and comment more on other aspects of Duke life
(administration, ale, faculty, etc.)?
Ideally that’s the plan. We will see if people care. A part of me says the students just like to hear me bash on the popular kids, but I think I can do a decent job with other aspects at this University…this place is sorta absurd don’t you think? Maybe I will write something about Dean Bryan and Larry Moneta’s closet love affair. I mean it makes sense right, the two of them do like to put it straight up our poopers when we try to have any fun at Duke.

How do you get some of your more controversial information (for example,
patterns of drug use)? Is it from personal experience, word of mouth, etc?

Some comes from being around it I guess. Its really a combination of everything, its not like people do a great job of hiding it. Just because a facebook group has a disclaimer saying “Membership in this group is not an admission of illicit drug use,” does not keep fellow students (and faculty and employers you idiots!) from knowing you like to do a few key bumps to keep you going strong through the night. I feel like an anonymous writer claiming so and so does drugs is far less incriminating than posting a drunken picture and being a member of “Smoking Pot is Goooood.”

spring break bitches
- yours truly

ps. this is fun kids, maybe I will tell you who I am soon.
Thursday, March 2nd, 2006
2:02 am
whoops now that was a little misunderstanding, i should probably not play around with this when Im drunk. Anyhow check out towerview next week.....yes, correct I am an asshole.
Tuesday, February 28th, 2006
10:56 pm
Athletics 101

Well hello again my young pupils. So far my subjects have had one common characteristic that unites them, they have all at some point considered Shooters or Georges (and pzads) an acceptable boozing venue. Well, there is one group that has yet to be discussed, and I feel that, for the sake of integrity, I must say a little something about them as well.


Let me start by talking about the male athletes in general, because truthfully, they are the only ones we really care about at our school.

The first thing a Duke male thinks when he finds out you are an athlete is “I am smarter than you,” and I’d say that’s a fair assumption. You got into this school for a reason, and its not because of your stellar test scores. Its always a great sign to walk into a class the first day and see a row of behemoths sitting in the back, easy A baby. Intelligence aside, the first thing a Duke female thinks when she finds out you are a soccer/lacrosse/basketball (basically, the winners) player is “I’d like to fuck you.” Honestly, if you are a male athlete in any other sport than fencing you have an alarmingly higher chance of pulling legitimate tail then your average frat boy. Actually fuck it, if you wanted to graph the relationship between overall intelligence and quality of pussy attained, you would find the two have a strong negative correlation (remember boys and girls, a lot of people got in here because of what daddy does).


It is very important to know who these people are, because being on a sports team is essentially like being a part of a frat/sorority assembled by a coach, minus the rampant drug use (at least the “illegal” ones in season). While athletes live and socialize with themselves, they do come to party with us “smart kids” frequently. Therefore, it is crucial that we take a quick minute to get to know a little bit about Duke’s proud athletic program.


Mens Lacrosse-

They are big, loud, obnoxious, ambiguously gay, meathead white boys. Basically, all the frat Dsig and Snu wish they were. Let’s not kid ourselves, what frat doesn’t hate these fuckers? I mean the lacrostitute is a notch higher on the social scale than the "frat slut." And dammit that’s something worth fighting over.



Umm do NOT under any drunken circumstances even consider trying to mess with one of these kids. Ya, they don’t always look like much, but they have one job here, and its fightin. End of story.



I am sorry, so sorry. I bet it seemed like a good idea, Duke for free and you get to play in the ACC too! Yea, you are the biggest mother fuckers on campus. But here, nobody likes a loser. The funniest part is, I bet a lot of you guys got more ass in high school then 95 percent of the guys at Duke. Once again, my apologies for your horrendous decision to play football here.


Mens and Womens Swimming-

Outside of Mirecourt, this is the most incestuous organization on campus. These aquatic kids are perfectly happy getting with one another. In fact, word is they are blatantly proud of their inter-squad promiscuity. I know, it’s a little weird to me too.



I love the track team for one reason and one reason only. If it wasn’t for them, Duke would not have accepted some of its most ridiculously attractive females. Nice work coach, you clearly have an eye for “talent.”


Mens Basketball-

Ya, the frat stars think they are “too cool” to admit they fucking love you boys. Don’t worry, deep down they do. Why? Because we are elitists dammit, and nothing says “fuck you, we are better than you” more then a National Championship. (suck on that Harvard)


Womens Basketball, Volleyball, Crew-

……..damn these ladies are BIG. Shit I should watch what I say, they can all probably beat the piss out of me. OK, I will admit huge bitches scare me a little bit.


Mens Soccer- see Delta Sig


Womens Field Hockey, Lacrosse, and Soccer-

Ya so these girls aren’t so “massive,” but lets be honest. There is something oddly masculine about most of these women. It probably comes with the territory of being on a highly competitive division 1 team. All three of these teams compete nationally, and as such, most of these ladies take their shit seriously enough to not waste time getting boozed up and chasing frat boys. Woaaahhh, are they on to something?  Nahh, they're just sorta lame. Its ok though, they will be  the ones laughing when they're all  professional field hockey players.


Baseball- see football (sorry guys, that steroid scandal didn’t help you out much either)



 Alright athletes now don’t your panties all wrapped up. I love having you here, you add a little bit of balance. More importantly, I don’t know how us trinitards would survive without some of those amazing classes of yours. Someone needs to bring down the ridiculous curve.

- yours truly


Sunday, February 26th, 2006
12:59 am
Alright boys and girls FIRST lets get one thing straight here. If any of you out there thinks you have me pegged, feel free to throw out and whatever blanket generalization/stereotypes/social role/sexuality/gender/race statements thatyou think describe who I am, I promise to leave them up. However, if any of you oversensitive little bitches feel "confident" enough to throw out a specific such as name/email/residence I will pull the comment immediately. If you are wrong, its not fair to the accused. Remember this is my site,and last I checked you cared enough about what I say to both visit the site multiple times and post responses.If you can't take the heat, stay outta my motherfucking kitchen. If you lynch yourself, you will be made fun of. Period, end of story.

SECOND, my apologies to whomever that email belonged to. If you face any undeserved problems over this my advice is to start hanging around piphis, they are really big fans (gee I wonder why). However, you are either slightly retard or lack any sort of forsight for being the first to link the blog in your facebook. Thanks tho, I appreciate the free pub.

- yours truly
Friday, February 24th, 2006
10:05 am
funniest exchange on the comments page:

someone said this,
What is your definition of lame exactly?
Not being in a fraternity or sorority?
Having amazing close friends in almost every social scene on campus INCLUDING white frats/sororities(both Core and Other), black frats/soroties, independents, liberals, conservatives, selective living groups?
Not objectifying women?
Being in a monogamous relationship?
Listening to people instead of just looking at them?
Having sex at least 7 times a week?
Having an awesome GPA?
Getting into an awesome Law School?
Well, I'm one of the lames that you described and this is MY life and I love it, so reading this post just makes me sad that people at duke can possibly be as pathetic, ignorant, superficial, and cowardly as you are. I HOPE that by the end of this year we'll all know who you are so that at the reunion I can see how sad your life is.

The reply was:

i think you're kinda lame. you throw out these retarted rhetorical questions. let me explain what they really mean

Not being in a fraternity or sorority? so you're a gdi

Having amazing close friends in almost every social scene on campus INCLUDING white frats/sororities(both Core and Other), black frats/soroties, independents, liberals, conservatives, selective living groups? you have one or two friends in most frats and sororities, but only because you knew them from your freshman dorm and still half-head-not to them on the quad and may or may not be facebook friends.

Not objectifying women? that means you're gay

Being in a monogamous relationship? you can be in a monogamous relationship with a guy (don't laugh there's always one)

Listening to people instead of just looking at them? so you're not deaf.

Having sex at least 7 times a week? If sex is loosely defined to include masturbation

Having an awesome GPA? this means you have >3.0

Getting into an awesome Law School? so us news ranks your law school in top 50.

i'm really not that impressed with your life. sorry. although you're at least above average. if you attempted suicide, you'd probably suceed.

Moral of the story: someone thought they could anonymously stand up to me and look  cool, then someone else shat on their face. Thanks dude.
Wednesday, February 22nd, 2006
2:34 am
ya kids keep right on truckin'...
Sunday, February 19th, 2006
6:36 pm
Sunday, Sunday
Hi team, hows life? I am sorry I have been quiet for a few days, but I have been a little busy being drunk. However, now that the almost ritualistic “Thurs-Sat Duke Drinking Extravaganza” is over, I need to set a few things straight. First off, I think a group of you out there feels I do not appreciate the Greek Community. Far from it, the frat/sorority system is awesome. Without the frats, this school would not be half as entertaining. It’s what makes Duke better than Harvard, Yale, and Princeton. We actually get wasted to the dome, go out, and try to get laid. Sure there’s a “rockin” independent bar scene, but c’mon. You are more likely to meet a member of Duke’s LGBT community at the Federal on a Thursday night then you are a potential hot heterosexual hookup. On that note, its time I made special mention of another group of students at this university, the people who reap the most from our current social system, what I call “The Independent Leeches.”

Who exactly am I speaking of? You know them, those very social guys and girls at Shooters, George’s, and Verde who do not belong to a Greek organization. This group is comprised of a few different strands of individuals. However, the majority of these students did not get into the frat/sorority that they were aiming for, and were left with no other social outlet at Duke but the system that rejected them.

In other words, Losers.

Do these kids really think they are going to get with a hot little Pi Phi (or seduce that elusive Dsig)? Who the fuck are they kidding. They didn’t get the bid they wanted, everyone knows it, and most within the “system” have little to no respect for them (this sentiment, is clearly shared by many of my readers). However, most trek on with their heads held high. Secretly hoping that we all aren’t aware that they “really wanted to go SAE” but did not get in. Everyone understands. Lucky for them, most organizations (excluding Pike, SAE, and KA) are nice enough not to forcefully exclude these students from socializing with them on occasion. I mean its not like anyone’s a huge asshole here.

But guys, lets not kid ourselves. How annoying is it to have to “let down” your independent friend when you tell him he might not be that welcome at one of your more "exclusive" events. I mean, why don’t those usesless tools take a hint? You balled them once for a reason, right? Regardless, most of these ungrateful boys and girls are quietly able to consume inordinate amounts of alcohol on the tabs of their greek hosts. A pathetic attempt to pretend to be someone they really aren’t (sorta like theta). I think most of these “God Damn” independents need to sack up, look in the mirror, and realize who the hell they are. Get over yourself, and start hanging out at Sirens with your own kind god dammit. Those black, Hispanic, and Asian kids sure do.

To save myself from potential attacks, I want to reiterate that I am writing of a specific breed of independents. For the most part, the majority of independents do not want, and have not wanted, anything to do with greek social life. Probably why you haven’t met too many of them, and with good reason, they are lame as fuck.

I hate midterms,
- yours truly
Saturday, February 18th, 2006
10:21 pm
to elliott
It is a sad day at Duke University. Your beloved website, that allowed us all to watch almost any movie/tv show that we wanted, is no more. My question is this: did you get shut down because what you were doing was against the law, or was Larry Moneta just sick of getting drop kicked right in the nuts by your column every week? I look forward to hearing what you have to do say about this in your editorial this week. We are all bummed.

just to make sure everyone understands how many times you have managed to skewer our beloved Vice President of Student Affairs I am going to go ahead and link some your more recent, and pertinent, articles:




Elliot, I hope you are not in any trouble, everyone here at duke appreciates what you do, both by exposing the Universities problems, and providing us with an unimaginable service. I hope you have managed protected yourself enough that you are not in any legal trouble.
- yours truly
Wednesday, February 15th, 2006
7:25 pm
Hey kids, if you want to see how real fraternaty girls fight, theres a nice one going down in the comments section of the rush guide.
peace out
-yours truly
Tuesday, February 14th, 2006
11:04 pm
Dukeobsrvr's how-to guide to banging a sorority girl
Hello my not-so-young froshlings, we meet again, this time after the dust has settled over Rush. I feel a little bit like I failed you to be honest. I wrote the guide to help you boys make the largest social decision that can be made at Duke, but posting it prior to Rush was just not fair to the rest of the campus. So instead, I am going to arm you with as much information as possible for undertaking the ever-elusive task of getting laid. The first and most important step in learning to uncover the pleasures of Duke’s finest (or not as fine, depends how ambitious you are) females is choosing your mark.

Essentially, the sorority system works something like this. There are four sororities that matter, or the “core four” (pi phi, theta, tridelt, kappa). Then there are the rest. That is not to say there are no hot girls in the X number of other sororities that exist, but they are very evenly (and sparingly) dispersed amongst “the others.” Therefore, for our purpose they really don’t matter all that much. The rankings I provide are based solely on social standing (hotness). I would include a ranking for sluttines, but in general all four are equally slutty. The variation lies in WHO they are slutty with, so instead I will briefly summarize who tends to land which girls (this will help you assess what sororities you should concentrate your efforts on).

A few generalizations apply to the entire “core four.” First off, they are all insecure. The fact they joined a sorority is evidence that they feel a need to be labeled a part of a large group of attractive girls in order to feel good about themselves. Of course, they don’t realize that entering the sorority world is entering a world of intense scrutiny from all directions (frats, your own sorority etc) which compounds their already existing lack of self worth. In turn, these delightful young ladies deal with their massive insecurity by getting fucked by frat boys. Lucky for us guys, frat boys treat sorority girls like shit. As soon as Sally PiPhi thinks she has secured Johnny Soccer Player, Johnny is off boning Chrissy Tridelt. Ahh the beauty of the Greek system. All of this leads to unhappy, insecure girls all fighting to get rammed by someone of status. (remember kids this is duke, elitism dominates)

Pi Beta Phi
- These girls, along with the tridelts, account for the vast majority of the hottest girls on campus. Pi Phi’s generally tend to be nicer than they should be (as alpha females), but don’t let their “niceness” and “coolness” fool you, they are still full of superficial social climbing girls. Generally, they try not to come off as stuck up to the rest of the campus, making them generally approachable. Though they are quick to strike up a friendly conversation, tapping into PiPhi’s fine resources (excluding the “mistakes”, “girls who used be cute” and the occasional “girls who are sick of being treated like shit”) will prove to be a very difficult task unless you are part of the lucky group of dudes that pass these bitches around. PiPhi’s fuck mostly athletes and DeltaSigs. They also make their way into bed with their fare share of (in descending order) SAEs, Kappa Sigs, SNUs and occasional KAs. If you are not one of these guys, or don’t possess unbelievable game, you are shit out of luck with this sorority (unless of course you find yourself one of girls I excluded earlier).

Delta Delta Delta
- I think last year, at this time you would have found a slim majority of guys who felt Tridelts were hotter than PiPhi. I for one saw them as dead even. So what happened? Simple, tridelts are bitches. Unlike the PiPhis who at least acted like they weren’t better than everyone else, Tridelt basically felt they didn’t need to give a fuck. I guess being hot, young, and wealthy Duke socialites got to their head. Like obvi...these girls are fucking banging! They don’t give two shits about you unless you are someone important (nasty social climbers). Consequently, their haughty demeanor probably contributed to their weaker pledge class this year, that and their allegedly nasty coke habits. ***NOTE*** (if you’d really like to tap some of their finest, let a few know your always down to do a little blow with them…though, I am warning you it is like selling your soul to the devil)
Drugs aside, tridelts normally fuck the same groups as PiPhis, but have a decidedly larger affiliation with SNu (gee I wonder why). I still do not recommend setting your sights on a tridelt if you don’t fall into the category of guys who gets with PiPhi. Moreover, tridelts are also known to have a high population of “crazies” (and no not the basketball fans), I mean legitimately whacko girls who just can’t handle being hot and desirable. My advice is if you are lucky enough to bag one of these dimes, do not get attached.

Kappa Kappa Gamma
- Kappa’s are such nice girls. They go to all their classes, and they take such nice notes! Then they get drunk, and Jesus Christ, a Kappa function is like “high school teacher’s pets gone wild.” I would not call Kappa “southern,” but they definitely cater to more girls from the South than any of the other core four. This is reflected most in the tool bags these cuties prefer to get in bed with. Pike, SAE, and KA, you know them good ‘ol boys, tend to keep Kappa socially content, those bastards! Honestly, the cutest Kappas could rival any one of Duke’s finest, and word so far this year is their pledge class is right up there with tridelt’s (if not better). Another solid turnout and watch out tridelt. This could be a positive development, maybe those fake bitches will learn that people will still hate you if you are not nice to them (regardless of you being a polo model, chilling with Pdiddy, or having the nicest fake rack on campus).

Kappa Alpha Theta
- If you asked a theta to typecast their sorority you will probably get answers like “we are the least slutty of the four” or “we are the nicest” or possibly a “thetas are just way cooler girls then the others.” Let’s not kid ourselves, those are just code words for “we are the ugliest of the core four by far, and we are aware of it.” Ya ya, they really do tend to be nicer and more down-to-earth then the other three sororities, but most of this can be attributed to their social standing.However do not let their genial demeanor fool you, these girls like to get down, and will be a significantly easier mark than any PiPhi, Kappa, or Tridelt. In fact my dear froshys, if you are a virgin to the core four sororities I highly recommend starting your quest within the ranks of Theta. You will find them overwhelmingly willing to “reciprocate” an invitation to a somewhat prestigious date function. They are gracious guests. To be fair, there are some gems here who joined theta to escape the pressures of the more elitest sororities. They, on the other hand, will take some serious effort to bag.

“the others”
I hate to be such an ass to these girls. I feel bad, really I do. I actually made a concerted effort to prove the stigma wrong, so I spent about 4 hours stalking the facebook to see if I could find at least some evidence that these sororities had something to offer you boys. Here’s what I found:
- there are a grand total of 12 girls with “hotness” potential in the 6 remaining sororities
- I think several members of Zeta may be secretly cocks in their pants
- I feel really bad for ChiO and AOpi

Look guys, you may be able to find some diamond in the rough within these groups, but its going to take a shitload of effort. Then again, if you do not find yourself in a powerful social position, you may have no choice.

As of Rush 2006, Pi Phi sits comfortably alone atop the ranks of sororities. This is due largely to their overwhelming “success” in recruitment this year. Now what do I mean by success? They got the most hot girls, and they are damn fucking proud of it. You see boys, even the girls are fully aware that the only thing that matters during their Rush, is getting the hottest pledge class. Why is that? Because the older ladies depend on the hot young, still somewhat marginally innocent tots to keep their sorority in favor with the various elite groups of males. You see the level of desirability or “hotness” of a guy at duke increases linearly from his freshman year, reaching its peak senior year. The female curve is the inverse function of the male’s, peaking at roughly this time freshman year. As girls “mature,” they become decreasingly desirable in the eyes of the males, hence the need to have sexy little freshman around to keep the frat stars interested.

Guys, as you can see it’s not that easy getting laid at Duke if you do not find yourself in a powerful social position. Do not fret, give it a year and that girl who you are probably eyeing hard right now will come crawling back for you. Of course, that will be after she has been more than worn out by some older guys who are obviously cooler than you.
Monday, February 13th, 2006
7:38 pm
(sorority post coming soon....)
1:56 pm
Yo so aparently sumone has a problem with my mispelling and gramar, The aformentioned person can politely bend down, unzip my pan does, andts and suck my fucking cock. I know he’d like to, hes probly in SigEp. I'll spell shit how I want, you are still going to read it. He did get one thing right tho, Im not Tucker Max… my stories aren’t made up.
-yours truly
Friday, February 10th, 2006
1:25 am
not feeling so funny tonight sorry
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