February 8th, 2006

(no subject)

So i had enough of a conscience/fear of getting my ass beat not to post this until after Rush.

Unofficial Rush Guide

Welcome back my young freshman friends. I hope you enjoyed your winter break, and prepped up for a month of intense drinking, drug use, and slightly homosexual male flirting. The rush process you are about to enter is quite unique to Duke, and can be quite the bewildering experience without some expert guidance. That’s why I’m here. This brief but informative brochure should provide all the necessary information you innocent young froshys will need in order to make correct decisions in the rush process. The frats will be examined for the characteristics that matter most: Social standing (quality of pussy you can expect around section), character (what kind of kids join this frat), drugs of choice, pledging style (what kind of bullshit you can expect to deal with during pledging).

*Frats listed in order of social standing*

Delta Sigma Pi
Sadly this collection of athletes, former athletes, and wealthy socialites does indeed consistently attract the highest quality poon tang. However, freshman be warned. If you do not fall into one of the three categories above, shy away from the flashy lure of joining this frat. If you don’t seem “that cool” around your friends now, imagine how much you will stand out surrounded by the alpha males of the greek system.

Drug of choice- LIQUOR, though you can most definitely find pockets of pot and cocaine fans in the halls of Edens 1C.

Pledging- stock up on lotion for the back side

Sigma Alpha Epsilon
- “I am rich therefore I am, you are poor therefore you are not.” Enough said.

Drug of choice- Anything that makes them look as rich as possible

Pledging- say goodbye to your old friends, old room, and GPA.

Sigma Nu (York)
- Holding it down hard for the Strong Islanders at Duke, these frat-stars are loud and abnoxious. However, to their credit they throw some mad cool parties and lure away some of Duke’s finest away from the above houses (though how much that has to do with their drug of choice is up for debate). If you are from New York, or like the atmosphere these boys are for you. But don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Drug of choice- gotta give it up for the White baby

Pledging- You might want to try some yay beforehand, so you have some experience coming in.
Kappa Sigma (Eta Prime)
- The self proclaimed “rock star frat,” these guys would be above SigNu on the social standing scale if they weren’t a 24/7 shitshow. Hosts of the famed baby oil wrestling party of Rush ’05, KappaSig loves nothing more than to push the limits of Duke’s social scene.

Drug of choice- whatever cocktail of available cheap booze, crushed pills, weed, and coke is available at a given moment

Pledging- use you imagination

Kappa Alpha Order
- Are you from the South? If not, just disregard this fraternity because you will not be allowed to join. Now if you are Southern, do you feel that Duke is a school full of liberal Northern carpetbaggers? Do your parents reminisce about the days when blacks were still Niggers (or still are)? If you answered yes to these questions then KA is the frat for you.

Drug of Choice- alcohol, drugs are way too uncivilized for this bunch

Pledging- Southern style for the southern frat

Pi Kappa Alpha
- Don’t join Pike. I hate Pike. I used to like a lot of Pikes, before they joined Pike. Please don’t join Pike.

Drug of choice- Busch Light

Pledging- just remember, you are brothers now. No seriously, brothers.

Delta Tau Delta
- DTD is probably the hardest frat at Duke to stereotype, mostly because they are composed of a few decently cool kids and a lot of not so cool ones who were rejected from the above fraternal organizations. They make a great “backup rush” in case one of your top choices doesn’t seem to think you are “frat” enough to join theirs (especially since being an independent is social suicide here at Duke). But hey, I think I’m being a little harsh. A few more “Ice’d Out” level parties a semester and I think these guys could climb above the fag boy Pikes on the social status rankings (ok probably not, but I would enjoy that).

Drug of choice- Raspberry Smirnoff

Pledging- you’ll keep your grades

Alpha Tau Omega
- OK, lets be honest I feel a little guilty talking shit about these guys. I mean, they are just such nice guys. EXACTLY. If you love beer and don’t mind playing handball on a pretty regular basis (even in college, nice guys finish last), then definitely explore this frat.

Drug of choice- beer, beer, beer, beer (especially if consumed in the form of Beirut which is a sport to the men of ATO)

Pledging- tough, but they won’t be breaking too many of the IFC rules (how mean can nice guys be cmon)

- Speaking of kids who do not get any ass. Sure you will be taking the moral high road by not stooping to the level of the frats. And yes, you will enjoy laughing at all of your friends who see their G.P.A.’s trim by a solid average of 1 point. Just don’t say I didn’t warn you when you find yourself far too excited by the free porn your buddies from high school sent you as a joke.

Basically, this is where the guide ends. The rest of the fraternal organizations probably provide you with more of a social stigma than a social standing. I will briefly mention a few of the rest of them.

Beta- all the weird kids who really really really really LOVE drugs

AEPi- I mean, it’s the Jewish frat. I love Jews, just not these Jews.

Pi Kappa Phi- they are trying hard, its cute

Sigma Chai- These kids climb out of loserdom for one glorious night a year (derby days). For the other 364 days of the year, you can’t find a cute sorority girl in the vicinity of their section.

Sig Ep- The closet homosexual frat.

The black frats- They are pretty secretive, and I’m not black. Gotta love the modern day segregation at Duke.