dukeobsrvr (dukeobsrvr) wrote,

Dukeobsrvr's how-to guide to banging a sorority girl

Hello my not-so-young froshlings, we meet again, this time after the dust has settled over Rush. I feel a little bit like I failed you to be honest. I wrote the guide to help you boys make the largest social decision that can be made at Duke, but posting it prior to Rush was just not fair to the rest of the campus. So instead, I am going to arm you with as much information as possible for undertaking the ever-elusive task of getting laid. The first and most important step in learning to uncover the pleasures of Duke’s finest (or not as fine, depends how ambitious you are) females is choosing your mark.

Essentially, the sorority system works something like this. There are four sororities that matter, or the “core four” (pi phi, theta, tridelt, kappa). Then there are the rest. That is not to say there are no hot girls in the X number of other sororities that exist, but they are very evenly (and sparingly) dispersed amongst “the others.” Therefore, for our purpose they really don’t matter all that much. The rankings I provide are based solely on social standing (hotness). I would include a ranking for sluttines, but in general all four are equally slutty. The variation lies in WHO they are slutty with, so instead I will briefly summarize who tends to land which girls (this will help you assess what sororities you should concentrate your efforts on).

A few generalizations apply to the entire “core four.” First off, they are all insecure. The fact they joined a sorority is evidence that they feel a need to be labeled a part of a large group of attractive girls in order to feel good about themselves. Of course, they don’t realize that entering the sorority world is entering a world of intense scrutiny from all directions (frats, your own sorority etc) which compounds their already existing lack of self worth. In turn, these delightful young ladies deal with their massive insecurity by getting fucked by frat boys. Lucky for us guys, frat boys treat sorority girls like shit. As soon as Sally PiPhi thinks she has secured Johnny Soccer Player, Johnny is off boning Chrissy Tridelt. Ahh the beauty of the Greek system. All of this leads to unhappy, insecure girls all fighting to get rammed by someone of status. (remember kids this is duke, elitism dominates)

Pi Beta Phi
- These girls, along with the tridelts, account for the vast majority of the hottest girls on campus. Pi Phi’s generally tend to be nicer than they should be (as alpha females), but don’t let their “niceness” and “coolness” fool you, they are still full of superficial social climbing girls. Generally, they try not to come off as stuck up to the rest of the campus, making them generally approachable. Though they are quick to strike up a friendly conversation, tapping into PiPhi’s fine resources (excluding the “mistakes”, “girls who used be cute” and the occasional “girls who are sick of being treated like shit”) will prove to be a very difficult task unless you are part of the lucky group of dudes that pass these bitches around. PiPhi’s fuck mostly athletes and DeltaSigs. They also make their way into bed with their fare share of (in descending order) SAEs, Kappa Sigs, SNUs and occasional KAs. If you are not one of these guys, or don’t possess unbelievable game, you are shit out of luck with this sorority (unless of course you find yourself one of girls I excluded earlier).

Delta Delta Delta
- I think last year, at this time you would have found a slim majority of guys who felt Tridelts were hotter than PiPhi. I for one saw them as dead even. So what happened? Simple, tridelts are bitches. Unlike the PiPhis who at least acted like they weren’t better than everyone else, Tridelt basically felt they didn’t need to give a fuck. I guess being hot, young, and wealthy Duke socialites got to their head. Like obvi...these girls are fucking banging! They don’t give two shits about you unless you are someone important (nasty social climbers). Consequently, their haughty demeanor probably contributed to their weaker pledge class this year, that and their allegedly nasty coke habits. ***NOTE*** (if you’d really like to tap some of their finest, let a few know your always down to do a little blow with them…though, I am warning you it is like selling your soul to the devil)
Drugs aside, tridelts normally fuck the same groups as PiPhis, but have a decidedly larger affiliation with SNu (gee I wonder why). I still do not recommend setting your sights on a tridelt if you don’t fall into the category of guys who gets with PiPhi. Moreover, tridelts are also known to have a high population of “crazies” (and no not the basketball fans), I mean legitimately whacko girls who just can’t handle being hot and desirable. My advice is if you are lucky enough to bag one of these dimes, do not get attached.

Kappa Kappa Gamma
- Kappa’s are such nice girls. They go to all their classes, and they take such nice notes! Then they get drunk, and Jesus Christ, a Kappa function is like “high school teacher’s pets gone wild.” I would not call Kappa “southern,” but they definitely cater to more girls from the South than any of the other core four. This is reflected most in the tool bags these cuties prefer to get in bed with. Pike, SAE, and KA, you know them good ‘ol boys, tend to keep Kappa socially content, those bastards! Honestly, the cutest Kappas could rival any one of Duke’s finest, and word so far this year is their pledge class is right up there with tridelt’s (if not better). Another solid turnout and watch out tridelt. This could be a positive development, maybe those fake bitches will learn that people will still hate you if you are not nice to them (regardless of you being a polo model, chilling with Pdiddy, or having the nicest fake rack on campus).

Kappa Alpha Theta
- If you asked a theta to typecast their sorority you will probably get answers like “we are the least slutty of the four” or “we are the nicest” or possibly a “thetas are just way cooler girls then the others.” Let’s not kid ourselves, those are just code words for “we are the ugliest of the core four by far, and we are aware of it.” Ya ya, they really do tend to be nicer and more down-to-earth then the other three sororities, but most of this can be attributed to their social standing.However do not let their genial demeanor fool you, these girls like to get down, and will be a significantly easier mark than any PiPhi, Kappa, or Tridelt. In fact my dear froshys, if you are a virgin to the core four sororities I highly recommend starting your quest within the ranks of Theta. You will find them overwhelmingly willing to “reciprocate” an invitation to a somewhat prestigious date function. They are gracious guests. To be fair, there are some gems here who joined theta to escape the pressures of the more elitest sororities. They, on the other hand, will take some serious effort to bag.

“the others”
I hate to be such an ass to these girls. I feel bad, really I do. I actually made a concerted effort to prove the stigma wrong, so I spent about 4 hours stalking the facebook to see if I could find at least some evidence that these sororities had something to offer you boys. Here’s what I found:
- there are a grand total of 12 girls with “hotness” potential in the 6 remaining sororities
- I think several members of Zeta may be secretly cocks in their pants
- I feel really bad for ChiO and AOpi

Look guys, you may be able to find some diamond in the rough within these groups, but its going to take a shitload of effort. Then again, if you do not find yourself in a powerful social position, you may have no choice.

As of Rush 2006, Pi Phi sits comfortably alone atop the ranks of sororities. This is due largely to their overwhelming “success” in recruitment this year. Now what do I mean by success? They got the most hot girls, and they are damn fucking proud of it. You see boys, even the girls are fully aware that the only thing that matters during their Rush, is getting the hottest pledge class. Why is that? Because the older ladies depend on the hot young, still somewhat marginally innocent tots to keep their sorority in favor with the various elite groups of males. You see the level of desirability or “hotness” of a guy at duke increases linearly from his freshman year, reaching its peak senior year. The female curve is the inverse function of the male’s, peaking at roughly this time freshman year. As girls “mature,” they become decreasingly desirable in the eyes of the males, hence the need to have sexy little freshman around to keep the frat stars interested.

Guys, as you can see it’s not that easy getting laid at Duke if you do not find yourself in a powerful social position. Do not fret, give it a year and that girl who you are probably eyeing hard right now will come crawling back for you. Of course, that will be after she has been more than worn out by some older guys who are obviously cooler than you.
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